Couch Clients - Natalie Filaroski

Couch Clients - Natalie Filaroski

To: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From:  Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

Subject: Nellie and Craig’s Divorce

Hey Jerry, just emailing you to talk about the couch again. Nellie said she really wants this couch, it’s like her family heirloom or something. I don’t know. If Craig wants the cats she says that’s fine just don’t take Patsy. I know this divorce is a tricky one. Craig has been difficult, I’m not sure he wants to leave her. Quite sad actually. But yeah, just shooting you an email to let you know about the couch. Thanks.

Jon Boman, 10566 Cajun Lane, 22570

Gerald and Gerald Firm

“Trying is the first step towards failure” –Homer Simpson


To: Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

Subject: Craig and Nellie’s Divorce

Hello Jon, 

Regarding the couch, I think it’s best for them to decide on it. So far, Craig seems adamant on keeping it. He says he used it for “Monday night football and long nights with sad chick flick movies”. I know it’s bizarre I just think he might be happier with it. I mean come on, he said he watched Steel Magnolia about twenty times after she left.  It was originally hers however, we might be able to get them to talk it out (even though he won’t be seen in the same room as his “homewrecking son-of-a-bitch, slut ex-wife”). I will email Craig shortly and see what he wants to work out. 

Jerry Shafer, 23492 Kali Dr, 43967

Harriet at Law

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


To: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From:  Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

Subject: Nellie and Craig’s Divorce (and more)

Hello Jerry,

I’ve spoken with Nellie and she says that she is extremely certain she is getting that couch. She says that she will “not stand for his disgraceful behavior” and that she “already dealt with it for ten years”. I know it’s getting a bit ridiculous but I would say just give the lady the couch. She’s kind of going on a binge and I’m scared for her to lash out any more. The other day in my office, Nellie went batshit, taking my law books one by one and throwing them against the wall. She said that one of her cousins died on that couch. She called Craig a slew of inappropriate names. Very weird. Ended up giving her a K-cup and that shut her up.  Maybe just tell Craig he can get the flat screen or something. I don’t know. Oh and also she is getting the flower vase as well. 


Jon Boman, 10566 Cajun Lane, 22570

Gerald and Gerald Firm

“Trying is the first step towards failure” –Homer Simpson


To: Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

Subject: Craig and Nellie’s Divorce (getting a bit much)

Hello Jon,

The couch is most likely going to be given to Craig. As a condolence for Nellie’s cheating it’s really the least we can do. I mean she went out all the time, had crazy binges, he never even knew. The reality is, he’s gonna wind up with the couch. I mean he says the couch was “the only thing that kept him going”. That’s pathetic. He weeps all the time in my office and, the fact of the matter is, I’m tired of hearing it. Give the man his damn couch. 

Jerry Shafer, 23492 Kali Dr, 43967

Harriet at Law

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


To: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From:  Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

Subject: Nellie and Craig’s Divorce

Jerry,

My client will be receiving the couch. It was hers to begin with and it will be hers to end with. Just because your wife cheated on you doesn’t mean you have to stand up for this pathetic douchebag. He’s a loser and he’s been a loser his whole life. If a man wants to take a woman’s dead grandma’s couch that says a lot about the person. Give the woman a break it’s her dead grandma’s couch. If my client does not receive her DEAD GRANDMOTHER’S COUCH I will take it into court where the judge will decide. Good day.

 Jon Boman, 10566 Cajun Lane, 22570

Gerald and Gerald Firm

“Trying is the first step towards failure” –Homer Simpson


To: Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

Subject: Craig and Nellie’s Divorce 

Mr. Boman,

I would highly recommend you do not bring my own prior divorce into these matters for it is not appropriate. You would not want me to tell your son he’s adopted, would you? I mean it’s not like you have lied to him your whole life. The little guy needs to know the facts. The same goes for my family as well. While I might have a soft spot for my client, I am not asking for any more than what I think is necessary. Mr. Lynch is the victim in this situation. Your client, Ms. Chang, is very selfish and refuses to accept the offer we have made. When she decides to be a grown, mature woman then I will be happily inclined to talk. That is not my problem so to you I wish a good day.


Jerry Shafer, 23492 Kali Dr, 43967

Harriet at Law

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


To: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From:  Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

Subject: Nellie and Craig’s Divorce 

Mr. Shafer,

My client is getting this couch one way or another. If you have an issue, you can come and visit me at my office. My address is located at the bottom of the email. Good day.

(P.s don’t ever bring my kids into this, it will get personal)


Jon Boman, 10566 Cajun Lane, 22570

Gerald and Gerald Firm

“Trying is the first step towards failure” –Homer Simpson


To: Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

Subject: Craig and Nellie’s Divorce

Boman, I am beyond outraged. I do not have any words for the despicable act you and your client have displayed. To walk into MY client’s house and steal his couch is flabbergasting. You caught him at his weakest moment, frail and weeping on his bed for the loss of his wife. Then you just walk in and physically take the couch while he’s inside? I am not sure what is running through your brain but I am going to make sure your license is revoked. I have been working in law for 25 years and not once have I seen an act so vile. It breaks all the rules of character and I am going to have you fired immediately. Good day you scumbag.


Jerry Shafer, 23492 Kali Dr, 43967

Harriet at Law

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi


To: Jerry Shafer, Attorney at Law

CC/bcc; From:  Jon Boman, Attorney at Law

Subject: Nellie and Craig’s Divorce

Listen Shafer while you think you have the dirt on me, you’re sorely mistaken. Before we went into your client’s house (that Nellie still co-owns with him), your client did the unthinkable. He drove past my client’s house and threw eggs directly at the center of her home. Not only did he mess up the exterior of her new house, he shattered two windows in the process. So if you wish to revoke my license, make sure to tell your client that I will see him in court. Fuck you.


Jon Boman, 10566 Cajun Lane, 22570

Gerald and Gerald Firm

“Trying is the first step towards failure” –Homer Simpson

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About the Author

Natalie Filaroski is a high schooler at Douglas Anderson School of the Arts in Jacksonville, FL.

She has been published twice before - this is her third publication.