Family Ness - Kirby Olson

No one knows how the food fight began.  Elliot Ness was to marry his bride, Hott, by a Scottish lake.  During the ceremony, a troop of carrots attacked the wedding party.  The wedding party was holding its own against the food uprising when suddenly the long orange vegetables were reinforced by a package of tater tots.  Everyone at the party except the valiant Ness couple were butchered immediately.  Ketchup lay everywhere.  The Ness’ were backed into the lake where they fought side by side in hip deep water.  Wielding their wedding forks with an unforeseen ferocity, they were aided now by loyalist dinner rolls who chanted, “We will, we will, roll you!” toward the carrots and tater tots.

Speared with forks and smeared with butter, the tater tots thought about retreat, but soon realized the rolls were soft troops, and easily pushed back.  The carrots yelled, "We are tired of being eaten at wedding parties!” and redoubled their ferocity.

There was a motive in the curious slaughter, in which vegetables for the first time in history had attacked a wedding party at which they were the guests to be cannibalized, they had declared their autonomy from the human need for food.  Tired, but not dismayed, and avowing that they had done nothing wrong, and that tradition was on their side, the Ness couple were neck deep in the water and fighting for their lives when a monster arose behind them and said, “Dive down, Elliot and Hott!”

The Ness’ did, and flames rolled across the lake out of the Loch Ness Monster’s throat.  The rioters fled in every direction at once, flames scorching their orange and tan behinds.  From great heights upon the ramparts, the broccoli, a newly awakened ally of the naughty vegetables, shot squirt guns of ketchup and mustard at the Ness family, but the battle was essentially over, and the Ness’ had won. 

“I’m glad I could give you a wedding present,” said the Loch Ness monster, coming closer.  The family embraced.  They said in unison, “We are Family Ness.”



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About the Author

Kirby Olson has published a novel and some short fiction pieces. She has poetry soon to be published in Poetry East, as well as another journal. Kirby is interested in food coming alive; she wrote a piece about a Fish Minister, which will be published in Vlak, an avant-garde journal from Czechoslovakia.